Chances
by StoryNeverTold
Summary: After Brendan hits Ste, he regrets it. Ste said he'd blown his last chance. Brendan fights desperately to get another chance but will Ste accept his apologies...again? Or is it too late? Brendan and Ste's POV read and review please :  xxx


What did I do…? Why? I didn't even think it through. I just reverted back to everything I had tried so hard not to be. It was only a couple of months ago that I told him I could change… that I can change. He'd believed me. Taken me back. And I'd swore to him, to myself that I'd never lay a finger on him again. But it was so hard not to. Everything had got at me.

Rae had got pregnant, with Steven's child and I had been threatened by Amy to end it. When I did, I thought my heart would shatter. Then, Mitzeee saw our goodbye, and blackmailed me and teased me. Threatened to spread it. I thought everyone would find out. Then Rae caught me and Steven and subsequently lost her child and blamed it on me.

Steven made me an offer. Said we should run away together, somewhere far from people we know. To somewhere where no one would care if you liked men, women or fucking dogs. And, fuck, I wanted to say yes. To pack my bags and whisk him off to Italy or France. Somewhere dead romantic where I could fuck him senseless and forget about all my worries and admit everything to him. But that wasn't me. And no matter how much I fooled him and myself, that never would be me.

I was sure I was heading for a breakdown. Then Pete turns up, smiling, acting like it was all a coincidence that he had moved to Hollyoaks. I mean, Pete! Jesus fucking Christ. My life couldn't have got any worse. Then Pete started getting friendly with Ste, smiling and winking at him.

Steven came in and asked me about it, asked me what was going on with Pete. I didn't want him to find out all my deep dark secrets that I had tried to leave behind in Ireland. I just flipped. Hit him before I could even think twice. Hit him as easily as you would bat a pesky fly away.

He was spitting blood all over the floor of the bathroom and I didn't seem to care, didn't seem to notice. Then he whispered something, his voice hoarse. Something about that being my last chance. Fuck.

What had I done?

He walked out on me for what had to be the last time.

-**Steven's POV**-

I didn't even think about what I was doing or saying. Everything came from my subconscious and I felt as if I was stood there watching myself say these things. I put up a pretty good fight, a pretty good front considering Brendan's violence has ripped me apart inside. I said something about leaving him in the closet, and closing the door on the way out. Then I left.

My head was whirling, my vision blurring and the music of the club echoing and thumping. I must have looked a right state 'cause people kept looking at me, giving me funny looks like I'd just shit all over their shoes. I knew I was bleeding, I could feel it on my lips but I bet I looked horrible. I staggered past the table Pete was sat at and he called my name.

"Ste, mate!" He cried. I looked back, only for a moment. "What happened to ye? It was Brendan, wasn't it? Ste!"

I ignored him. Just kept walking. Cheryl tried to talk to me too but I ignored her. My face was wet with tears and I bet people were gonna start asking questions. I just walked out of the club. I didn't even know where I was going. I couldn't go back to the flat, Amy was there with the kids and I couldn't let her know that Brendan had reverted back to his old ways. No way.

I considered going to Noah's but at this time of night, he wouldn't let me in. We didn't know each other THAT well… Maybe some fresh air would clear my head, I decided to just go and sit down in the park. Maybe then I can try and sort out this piece of shit with the label on it saying 'Ste's fucked up life'.

-**Brendan's POV**-

I went looking for him. I don't even know why or what I was going to say. I was working on instinct. And that was a bad thing for me. It was instinct that made me hit him in the first place. But the only thing I knew clearly right now was that I had to see Steven. Oh, that and I had to keep the fuck away from Pete. I wasn't in the mood for another one of his games. Not after I felt sick with guilt from hitting poor Steven.

Cheryl tried to ask me where I was going but I wasn't really in the mood for talking. I just replied 'out'. It's none of her business. Steven is my business, not hers.

I find him at the park, sat on a bench. He looks a bit deranged. Sat there, eyes bloodshot, bleeding, discoloured in the icy night and the drizzle and the howling wind. I can see that he's seriously thinking and he looks like he's still crying. Even now. I hesitate. Perhaps I should walk away. Let him leave. I've ruined him. Look at him. He's broken.

I approach him, slowly, carefully, as if the ground beneath me is as week and shatter as Steven is. He sees me and stands, walks away.

"Steven, please," I try and talk to him. My voice is thick, laced with guilt. The wind dances around us, almost human-like in its movements, whipping through our legs and around our bodies.

He turns around, stares at me, glaring. The moonlight is shining on both of us, reflecting beautifully in those pained eyes of his. The wind brushes his hair out of his face and the drizzle settles on his skin.

"What do you want, Brendan?" He asks. His voice is filled with hate, fear and disgust.

The moonlight seems to highlight only us, making this whole argument, this whole moment seem unreal. Like someone was watching us, highlighting us. Like right now, our words, our decisions could change so much.

He wipes the blood of his lips, like he doesn't want to seem weak in front of me. Doesn't want to show me that I did hurt him.

"Where are ye gonna go?" I ask him, knowing he's not heading in the direction of his flat.

"I dunno. Noah's. He's nice, he likes me. He won't beat the shit outta me when he realises how he feels," Steven spits at me, his voice reflecting his anger.

"No, Steven, ye can't do that. It's not fair," I shake my head. I don't even know who its not fair on. Me? Steven? Noah? Fuck knows. The only think I do know is that I'm not letting Steven go running into his arms.

"You have no right to tell me what I can and can't do!" He shouts, angrily. "I told ya! You were on yer last chance!"

"No, look, Steven! Give me one last chance!" I shout back, not even bothering who hears us. The whole feel of the conversation makes me feel invisible anyway, like we're in our own little bubble, our one little world.

"No, its over, done. Forever!" He shakes his head. Then, his eyes glazed with tears, he turns away and walks off. I follow him. I'm not letting him go. Not after everything… I can't let him go…

"No, no," I'm getting desperate. Jesus, I'm close to fucking tears myself. What has he done to me? "Fine, how about Brighton then? We…We could go to Brighton, y'know, like you wanted? Or somewhere more exotic, like Italy or Mexico or…or… Hawaii… Pack our bags, we could be gone before the morning?"

I know how desperate I sound. But I'm past caring. I don't want this to be the end. I really don't. I'll do anything… _anything_ to keep him with me. He turns, he looks shocked but annoyed.

"What?" He looks like he's seriously considering it. Then he shakes his head. "And live in secret there too?" I stay silent. He's right. No matter where we are, I can't cope with going public. "No. Just admit it, Brendan. You're ashamed of me. You're never gonna be ready for a proper relationship. We could go anywhere, even to fucking Antarctica and you'd never go public. For some reason, god knows why, you hate the thought of being gay. I don't know why I even stuck about for as long as I did."

"No, you don't mean that. You… you wanted to be with me. You stuck around cause you… wanted to." Fuck. I'm even stuttering. That boy has got some sort of hold over me and its starting to worry me. I could end up doing something really stupid.

"No, I do mean it. Yeah, I wanted to be with you. I still do. But I'm not making that stupid decision to stick around. I'm not gonna be an idiot anymore." His words are like blades, slicing me inside. Yet I can't do anything about it. There's so much I could say and do to get him back but I don't. I can't. Because there's that one little barrier that won't drop. Not even for him.

"Give me one last chance, Steven. I can change…" I beg. He sighs, then nods.

"Ok."

"Does that mean you'll come with me?" I smile, hopeful. Then he shakes his head, his eyes shimmering in the moonlight from his tears. The drizzle speckles his skin and he looks like he's shining. He looks gorgeous. And normally, I could claim that gorgeousness as my own. But he's not mine. Not anymore.

"Admit that you love me. Then I'll leave with you," He sighs. He's giving me an ultimatum. I hate ultimatums. Don't do this to me, Steven. He's doing it on purpose. He knows I can't… He knows and he's using that.

"I can't…" I mumble, blinking back tears. I want to fight for him but I really can't. No wonder he feels unwanted.

"Brendan, _I_ love you…" He tries to get me to say it. He really doesn't want to walk away from me. But he knows he will. I'm not going to say it. No matter how much I want to. He counts down from ten then sigh and shakes his head, sneering.

"No? Didn't think so. We're done. Forever. I mean it this time," He sneers bitterly. "When you realise that the closet your in actually has a door, gimme a call. 'Till then, stay the fuck out of my life. I can get a job elsewhere."

I shake my head, wiping tears away. I make a strangled noise, something between a 'no' and a 'please'.

"One last thing, I know you're going to move on and pretend I never existed but if you really do or did love or cared for me, then please do this one thing for me… Get help. Professional help 'cause, fuck, Brendan you need it. I don't want you to hurt anymore."

His words hit me. Hard. He walks away and I am left, choking on my breaths. His last words seem to hit me so hard that I can't breathe.

_Get help. Professional help. _

Am I really that bad?

As I turn and walk away, my vision blurs and my mind hammers, flashes of my Step dad, Vinnie, Danny and Warren all hit me. My mind is whirring and I'm finding it hard to concentrate. I think I'm losing it, I think I'm heading for a breakdown…Steven was right. I need help. Soon. Before its too late.


End file.
